Day Two: Aatish.
July 29, 2018
Falling asleep last night was harder than I thought it would be. I worked myself to the point of exhaustion hoping that I wouldn’t have to spend the night being haunted by my own thoughts, but perhaps it was too much to expect. I spent the entire night reliving moments of the promises I made her, the assurances I gave her, the jokes we shared, I heard her laugh over and over, and I could do nothing to stop it. I told myself, “perhaps the first night is the hardest.” Lets see what tomorrow brings.
The sun eventually crept in through the blinds and there was absolutely no chance of falling asleep now. The rest of the day was just as long as the night had been. Every time the thought of her came to mind, I told myself that “I hate her.” That wasn’t all I thought about. The thought of burning the world down came to mind many times, the thought of reaching out to her and giving her a piece of my mind followed. I thought of wanting to hurt her, I thought of getting revenge. I wanted to scream as loud as I could, and I wanted her to hear it. I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to punch walls, and break things and most of all I wanted her to see it. I wanted to watch the world burn, the skies to fall apart, for the grounds to swallow everything, and even more than that I wanted to see her cry. I wanted to unleash madness on to her, destroy everything that she ever held close to her. “I hate her,” I kept assuring myself, “I really do.” Then I fought myself over that trying to explain that I wont let her change me any more than she has. I wont let her turn me into a negative person, I wont let her change the way I see the world, I wont become a monster over her.
They say hate is a strong word, but they never explain what they mean by that. In all honesty, hate is another word for passion. You can have a strong dislike for someone, but if you have never felt passionately about him or her then you can’t really hate them. Love is a precondition for hate, and believe me I loved her dearly. With that said, I had every reason to hate her. I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned, I felt like I was taken for granted and then discarded like I was worthless, I felt like I didn’t mean anything to someone that meant everything to me. Regardless of all that, I knew I was better than to allow myself to be filled with hatred.
If you can take anything from this, I want you to pause for a moment and think of the kind of person you are. Perhaps you might be blaming yourself for everything going wrong in your life. You might not hear this often, and I wouldn’t know when the last time you heard this was, but I want to tell you that your soul is beautiful. You’re far more precious than you give yourself credit for.
The purpose of writing these feelings down was to eventually heal. Thus my healing is what I want to share with you as well. I know you’ve loved, and I know you’ve loved madly. So did I. I gave her everything I had, and I can imagine that you have too. Don’t you think we’ve given them enough? You know how I said earlier that they never explain what they mean by hate being a strong word? I think what they mean is that hate is a heavy word. Hate itself weighs you down. It’s a burden that you’ll carry, and you’ll go in circles with what you could have done, should have done, and what you still could do. It clouds your mind all the time, and as long as you’re filled with hate you’ll never be at peace. I need you to realize that you don’t need to carry that weight around.
I read a quote once by Najwa Zebian. She wrote, “these mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” Today I realize how important that is. These mountains that I carry, they weigh me down. The hate that troubles my heart is a burden I don’t want to be troubled with, and I don’t want to lose sleep over her any more than I already have. I want to let go, and I want to breathe, and if you find yourself where I am today I need you to promise yourself that you’ll do the same.
I’m not saying you need to ignore the pain, I’m not asking you to stop feeling and try to shut it off. There is no off button, to the way you feel and you have every right to go feel what you’re feeling. The first step in healing is to acknowledge the pain, to feel it, to know it, and to eventually let go. Cry if you need to, let it all out. Close the door to your room, hide your face in a pillow and just scream to the top of your lungs. If someone has broken your heart, write his or her name a million times on a piece of paper and scratch it out, burn their picture if you have to. You’ve got every right to be upset, and no one can ever discredit or devalue your pain. If you’ve lost someone, its okay to grieve, it’s okay to miss them. Get it all out of your system. If you’ve lost your job recently, if you were misunderstood and wronged, it’s okay. I’ve learned that if one door closes, another opens up. Times are going to be tough in the beginning, but something better is definitely in store for you. You’re meant for beautiful things, and beautiful things are surely destined to you. You’ll slowly climb that mountain and you’ll get to the top.
Whatever point in time you are reading this, I need you to get a piece of paper right this moment. On that piece of paper I need you to write whatever date it is today. What you’re about to do is very important, so I need you do yourself this favor and make sure you carry out this simple task. You’re going to make yourself a promise today, just like I made myself one and you’ll write it down. Promise yourself:
“I will conquer whatever troubles my heart today, I will climb those mountains no matter how high they are and I will heal.”
Once you’ve written this down, I want you to stick this piece of paper up somewhere you can see it. I want it to be a constant reminder for you every single day that you are going to heal, until the day you’ll wake up and it wont hurt anymore. I know this sounds silly right now, but one day you’ll look back at this promise you’ve made yourself and you’ll be happy to have fulfilled it.