Day 29 – Waqt
August is almost over. This is the one month of the year that I look forward to, and for the past few years it’s been the month that has brought me the most emptiness that I’ve felt, year after year. I’ve had enough of this emptiness, and this numbing feeling inside of me. This year is different though, I feel like things are going to change for the better. I turned thirty about two weeks ago and I’ve reflected a lot over how I’ve spent the past few years. I know for a fact that I personally want to change for the better no matter what life throws at me now. These days I feel lost and I’m not only in search for where I need to go in life, but I’m also in search of myself. I’ve changed a lot heartbreak after heartbreak, and from investing my time in one wrong person after another. I’ve become different versions of myself surviving each atrocity that I’ve met with and in trying to get over the bits and pieces of myself that I’ve left each atrocity behind me with. Perhaps this is the version of me that I was meant to become, or I’m still in the process of being molded into what I’m meant to be. Either way, I’m in search of purpose and I’m in search of me. I’ve decided that this year I’ll be stronger, and this year I won’t chase love. This year I’ll let it find me, and I’ll take it slow.
In my search for self, I’ve got my eyes wide open. I look for signs in anything I can find, hoping it’d be a way for God to try and reach out to me. Maybe I’m being silly, and I’m completely out of my mind but I’ve tried to decipher meanings within random billboard signs, advertisements on television, things I read on social media, etc. If I’m coming across it in a state of mind and heart like this, it has got to mean something right? The other day I read a quote from an unknown author that said, “don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.” Its funny, I smiled when I read this. How could I not have taken this is a sign? I’ve thought about this so many times, and just seeing it in words validated everything that I felt.
Similar to my belief in trying hard to attain something because it might be destined to you with struggle, I also believe that one needs to remain faithful to his/her own prayers. If you want something badly enough you pray for it, right? We all know this, because we’ve done it. We’ve prayed night and day for a new job perhaps, or for a certain outcome in a situation that life brought forth. We have also prayed for love, and for the fulfillment of that love. I always thought to myself, things are looking really bad for me, when do I know to stop praying? How do I know to stop asking for something that’s probably not even meant to be mine? Do I keep on going because I’ve prayed for it for so long, and if I stopped it would be like giving up and losing hope? In not being able to find answers to those very questions, I kept on praying.
I invested my time in someone, and despite the fact that things looked negative, I kept on investing more time in her in order for all that time not to go to waste. I think about it now and I laugh. All that time went to waste anyway, along with each day that I spend in trying to recover from it. What I learned from this was that it’s okay to stumble, and it’s okay to fall. We need to get right back up because life is about trial and error until you get it right. So it’s okay to meet with unexpected hurdles along the way. It’s okay to love, and fail, and love again. It’s okay not to end up with the one you love, because remember… the purpose of falling and stumbling and making mistakes is to get it right. It didn’t work out because it wasn’t right. It troubles your heart because it wasn’t right. It kept you awake at night because it wasn’t right. You cried over it because it wasn’t right. It took me a while to understand this, but it’s time you understand this as well; that it was never right to begin with, so let it go. Don’t let it weigh you down and avoid what could be right for you. Don’t let it drag you to a point of no return, don’t let it destroy you any more than it needs to, don’t let it hurt you any more than it already has. Your heart needs to break at times in order for you to learn what love isn’t. Perhaps you need to love the wrong person to know what it would feel like to love the right person. Don’t go in circles and waste more time on someone just because you’ve already wasted so much time on them. Let life take its course. What will find you will be better than what you have lost. I like to think of it this way; will you really lose what was never yours to begin with?