Day 21 – Sannata
A few weeks have gone by, and I couldn’t find it within myself to write again. I wouldn’t call it writers block; the feelings are there but I just didn’t want to put the pain into words. I kept fighting myself to feel otherwise, but a voice inside of me kept persisting that I should try my best not to feel how I feel.
I turned thirty years old last week, and I put on my best face and smiled through it. That’s all I have been trying to do for the past few weeks. I tried distracting myself by burying myself with work. That’s what I did the last time it hurt this much when she cut me off completely, and I was hoping it’d work this time as well. I’ve tried to shut myself down completely, and as if I had an off switch to terminate my connection to humanity. However, even between the sixteen-hour workdays the thoughts kept creeping in on my mind, memories kept resurfacing, and my feelings kept amplifying no matter how much I fought with them. It was tiring. Then I remembered what another one of my best friends told me when I opened up to her. She’s always been my light at the end of the tunnel.
She said, “Don’t invalidate your own feelings. She did that already, and enough. You don’t deserve that.”
I didn’t think much of it at that time. I took it as words of consolation but the more I thought about it during the past week, the more it made me want to start writing again; the more it made me want to start feeling again.
Invalidation means to make someone or something feel invalid; in this case it meant to weaken or destroy the cogency of one’s feelings. I think invalidation goes hand in hand with belittling something or someone or to make it seem little or less. My best friend was right. My beloved did that enough didn’t she? She destroyed the cogency of whatever I felt for her, she belittled my feelings as if they didn’t exist at all, as if I was worthless and made no difference to her life at all. I can’t do that to myself. Whatever I feel be it love or hate, these feelings are my own and I need to own up to them. I need to respect my feelings, and myself and give myself the acknowledgement that she failed to give me. Perhaps healing comes with the acknowledgement of pain, and the longer I fight and suppress all that I feel, the longer it’ll keep on resurfacing over and over again. I feel hurt, I feel hate, and I feel rage. It’s time I stop fighting all these feelings that I keep bottling inside of me pretending as if they don’t exist, and to let them take their course. It’ll hurt and slow me down for a bit, the hate will make me even angrier, and the anger will make me find ways to make peace with it. Maybe the hurt will fade with time, the hate will turn to indifference, and I’ll inevitably overcome this rage.
I can imagine you doing the same. It’s an easy fix to try and shut yourself off, and to avoid those feelings that hurt you deep inside. It’s almost as if you’re in denial, where you’re avoiding confronting those feelings. Perhaps you’re afraid you might break down even further, like I was. I didn’t want to find myself in a position where I’d hate myself even more than I did for feeling so weak. My light at the end of the tunnel reminded me that it’s okay to feel, and only until I’ve owned up to the pain can I begin to heal. The pain needs to take its course, it needs to hurt you as much as it can for you to learn the lesson it was destined to leave you with, and then you’ll heal. By avoiding it, and fighting it off it’ll only come back and hurt you over and over, so stop fighting it. Stop shutting down, and embrace it.