Day One Hundred and Thirty Three – Wapsi
December 7, 2018
A hundred and thirty three days later, I find myself here again rummaging through a mind full of words to find the right ones to describe what I feel...
An interesting thing happened today. A Sikh friend of mine has been in search for God lately, he’s been asking questions and I’ve been answering them to the best I could. He asked to visit a mosque and attend prayer once, and I invited him to Friday Prayers a few weeks ago. I guess after a few weeks of planning it out, he finally came through and attended Friday prayer with me.
I took him to a different mosque than I usually go to. In fact, the mosque that I’ve always gone to, I hadn’t visited for a while. To be completely honest, I haven’t been back at the mosque at all since the last time I went and prayed for her. There are memories there. I’ve cried there in prayer, I’ve spent multiple months of Ramadan there making the sincerest Du’a until I gave up the thought of her, until I gave up Du’a.
I have been empty since. Surprisingly enough, I met up with another friend later today an we ended up going to pray Asr(mid-day prayer) and Maghrib(sunset prayer) together. This time however, we caught both prayers at the Mosque that I had been trying to avoid. I felt uneasy at first, as if I’d not go in. Dramatic I suppose. I did end up going inside, and I did end up praying. The thoughts did end up coming back, I did end up choking on my silent prayers.
This is where I prolonged all my sujood, this is where she once came too, this is where I was sure it’ll all come true. It didn’t. But I am glad I ended up coming here. I prayed 3 times today, after a long time I did finally out to Allah. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, and here I am.
Today was different though. Today I asked Allah for nothing else but Him. I asked for Him to be my beloved, and for me to be His beloved. I didn’t ask for a person, I didn’t ask for love. I asked for nothing but His blessings, His companionship, for His friendship. It’s time I came back to him. It’s time this pain and hardship serves its purpose. I took the first step towards him. I took the first step back. Perhaps soon this trial will be over? Perhaps soon He will embrace me, again.
Oh and about the SIkh friend, Insha'Allah he will be back next week. Perhaps he'll find the answers he is looking for. Ameen. I guess he came as a blessing, it is because of him I took the first step today. May Allah make it easy for him, and help him find his way.